Paideia Final Reflection
Writing this in general is bittersweet. In some ways I’m very excited to be moving forward with my life, going upward and onward to bigger and better things…but at the same time it’s very sad. I’m graduating from college and I’m terrified. I’m certainly grateful for the experience the Paideia program has afforded me with and I feel that I’ve gotten a great deal out of it.
I applied for the program for a few reasons: to stand out amongst other students, to force myself to study abroad, and to potentially get to live in an on-campus apartment my sophomore year. I achieved all of these things. However, the program has meant much more than that to me. In general, I’m glad I got to know one particular group of people as well as I did. I didn’t make all that many new friends in college, and the ones I did make have interests very similar to mine. Our cohort was a wonderful mixture of different students from different backgrounds and various fields of study. Each student picked readings and lead discussions every semester, so I was really able to get an interesting perspective on a multitude of studies. For example, I’ve had never taken a philosophy course at Southwestern until one of my cohort members shared an article with the group that I was so fascinated by that I took a class called “Existence and Reality,” which ended up being my favorite class I’ve ever taken. The variety of students in our cohort made for a unique and interesting experience.
Each aspect of the program seemed to open up a new chamber of my brain. The first year we focused primarily of civic engagement. In the past I had volunteered for the animal shelter on occasion, but I never felt as if I had made an impact of any sort. Being a part of the program enabled us to get in contact with the Boys and Girls Club of Georgetown and to even create our on program to share with the children there. It was very unique, and certainly not something I would have been able to do on my own. Aside from just making me feel good for doing good, it really showed me how difficult it is to organize a group of people and to achieve something meaningful. It taught me strength and perseverance as well as humility.
The most apparently life-changing aspect of the Paideia program for me was studying abroad. I moved to London to attend Goldsmiths College without knowing a single person in the entire country. In fact, I had a single friend on the entire European continent. I adapted. I learned to let go of my own hang-ups and insecurities and to just live my life. I got to know new and interesting people and found that I could relate to virtually any human being on some level. I gained the best friends I’ve ever had even though on the surface they are all so entirely different from me. I also learned to appreciate life as it comes to you—that not everything (in fact, almost nothing) turns out as planned, and that that is so totally okay. It’s great, even. I had planned and wanted to study in France, but for whatever reason was convinced to go to London instead and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I realized that in life you only make one decision, no matter how many options you are given, whether it’s the right one or the wrong, and you adapt. You deal with it. And no matter what you will always be okay.
This year I struggled with pinpointing one specific thing to deem my “creative work.” I feel like just about everything I’ve done at Southwestern and in the Paideia program has been a creative work of sorts, so it was difficult to choose one thing to present at the Student Works Symposium. I ended up going with a paper called “Interracial Desire in The Confessions of Nat Turner and Dessa Rose,” which I also presented at The Associated Colleges of the South’s Women and Gender Studies conference in Richmond, Virginia. The paper made connections between racial relations in literature and in real life. I argued that Styron’s characters weren’t as “real” as Williams’ because they didn’t experience emotions as real people do. The paper was indicative of my experience at SU as an English major, but I felt also that it had a great deal to do with human behavior. Our cohort’s topic is Understanding Human Behavior, and my work certainly fit in nicely with that. Though our cohort’s focus is more psychological, I was able to put a distinctly English spin on it. Attending this conference was a great experience as well. For the first time I was able to really get my work out into the world and I felt very rewarded for that opportunity.
Each aspect of the program has provided me with new and interesting insight to the world around me as well as to myself as an individual. It was a growing experience and a learning one, and it was not easy. I didn’t realize how interested I actually was in understanding human behavior, but of course it is completely connected with the work I have done as well as how I have come to understand the experiences the program has afforded me. I hope that more students are able to get a similar experience from Paideia to mine. I thoroughly enjoyed it!
Intercultural Experience Reflection
In all honesty, reflection on my time studying abroad in London has become more and more difficult the more time passes. Certainly not because I have trouble remembering it—I could chronicle every last detail of what happened to me for six entire months. Rather, I am so totally nostalgic for that period of time. As much of a study abroad cliché as it is, it was undeniably a life changing experience.
One of my main reasons for joining the Paideia program was so that I would be motivated (if not forced) to study abroad. I had always wanted to, but the process of making it happen was daunting. And for good reason. One of the most stressful semesters of my life was the fall before I went to London. The paperwork, the money, the preparation, the plans…it was all very overwhelming. It was, of course, nothing compared to the intense emotional rollercoaster. I am from Austin. It takes me 45 minutes to get to my parents’ house from Southwestern. I hadn’t ever really been alone. Although I made new friends at SU, I felt that I never fully experienced the “college lifestyle” because home and my old friends were always so close to me. This was my opportunity to change that. And I did. I was put completely out of my element without knowing a single human being for thousands of miles around. It was scary.
I have never considered myself a shy person, but others certainly might. I had difficulty speaking up in class, talking to strangers, meeting new people, and basically anything that was out of my comfort zone. However, being thrust into this new situation I had no choice but to just get over those problems and make a life for myself. That was one aspect that completely changed about me—I learned how to relax and to not be so self-conscious. This has been so unbelievably beneficial in every aspect of my life. In general, it has made me a more happy, confident and well-adjusted person.
Something else I had struggled with in the past was my own pretension. Part of the reason I never stepped out of my comfort zone was the fact that I was simply too stuck up to meet people unlike myself. I’ll be the first to admit that I was a total jerk. This completely changed. I was assigned to live in a student hall on the Goldsmiths campus called Loring along with seven other flatmates. I probably never would have talked to a single one of them under any other circumstances. These people, so entirely different than anyone I’d ever met, became my best friends in the entire world. They opened me up to different ideas I had never considered. They transformed me into a nice person. Now I don’t assume the worst in people and always give them a chance.
I could go on for pages and pages about this (you should see my journal) but I won’t. Studying abroad was the single most influential experience in my life not just because I got a taste of another culture or got to see a lot of sights, but because it gave me the opportunity to see the connection between all people. It changed my perception of myself as well as of others, and it made everything seem to fit into place. It’s difficult to describe, but I think it was exactly what the program had intended for students studying abroad. Paideia emphasizes making connections, and I think I was able to do that in every sense of the word.
Schilling Lecture, Tom's Shoes
I went into the lecture knowing next to nothing about Tom's shoes except that they were very popular--too much so for me to have much interest, to be perfectly honest. I was not particularly looking forward to hearing some guy talk about making and selling shoes, as I assumed it would be very business model oriented and not at all catered to my interests. However, I was pleasantly surprised to hear Blake Mycoskie's story...I actually found it very relatable. It was such a simple idea: to help people in what seems like a really base way. Blake was also a very charming speaker and I really enjoyed all of his funny anecdotes about starting up the company and trying to meet needs much greater than they were prepared for. What I found most interesting about his talk, though, was the business model part of it! Specifically, the fact that Tom's has done so little advertising. I think Blake said Tom's was featured in an AT&T commercial, but just to show the story. Otherwise, the company's success has been almost entirely based on word of mouth. I love that! I was thinking after he spoke that just giving the lecture at all was a fantastic form of advertising. As soon as I left I wanted to go out and buy a pair of Tom's shoes--and I actually intend to. I'm not sure how many people attended the lecture or how often Blake speaks, but it's a genius way to run a business. Because the principle behind the company is to positive, people want to contribute. I found this really inspiring. If all businesses owed their success to the fact that they actually did good for people in need, the world would be a much better place. It bothered me a little that someone asked a question about profits. I guess I myself was curious, but it seemed a little uncouth. However, Blake explained that the company sells the shoes to actual stores that mark up prices. But obviously in order to stay afloat they're going to have to make some money...duh. All in all, the company seems very selfless and generally
good.
I don't plan to be an entrepreneur of any kind, but I would certainly like to contribute to a company that works hard for such a great cause. I'm really glad I went to this lecture. It changed how I think of the business world a lot. You don't have to be a back stabbing blood thirsty crook to be successful in a big way, and that's pretty reassuring.
Brown Symposium
I attended (via webcast) the first Salon, Arts, Sciences, Religions-Conflict or Convergence. This topic sounded really interesting and I was really excited about the salon style format of this year's Brown Symposium. It definitely seemed refreshing and unique and new--all those good things. However, I'm not so sure that I actually preferred it in practice. I found it harder to follow, occasionally confusing, and much less focused than traditional lectures. Maybe there were too many speakers, but I didn't find it all that informative. I'm sure all of these people have very interesting ideas, I just don't think this is the best way to go about expressing those ideas. I don't feel like a got a clear conception of these people's best work and true opinions. I also really got a sense of competition amongst some of the speakers, which was a little disappointing. The discussion occasionally seemed like a display of who knew the biggest words and it got a little pretentious.
The prompt for the discussion was very strange to me. Maybe I just didn't understand it, but it seemed inappropriate and unlikely that an insightful hour-long discussion could arise from a (religious?) depiction of a mouse. In any case, it bothered me.
At one point I felt like Jonah Leher was sort of being attacked by the other speakers who specialized in religion. One of the other speakers expressed the importance of religious institutions in charity work (specifically starting a club for minority children), but I don't see how that is specific to religion. And because the discussion moved so quickly and so many people had different things to say, many of the questions I had that probably would have been answered in a traditional lecture were not. Ultimately salon-style discussions are interesting to participate in, but I don't think it was the kind of idea-stimulating intellectual learning I expect from Brown Symposium. It seemed more like a very diverse group discussing something controversial at a dinner party rather than in an academic setting. I'm going to blame this on the fact that it was the first salon and nobody really knew what they were doing. Maybe the topic just wasn't my cup of tea.
The second salon, Education, Technology and the Arts, was much much much better for me. Jonah Leher started off with some interesting information that he seemed to think was common knowledge about the plasticity of the human brain and how our brain works to incorporate new technology while using less of its power for other things, such as "reading nature." I guess I knew how much technology has influenced brain development, but I never really thought about it. The fact that we can no longer "read nature" as well as we could at one point because we learned how to read is really fascinating to me. I think it was a good frame for the discussion, rather than "google is making us stupid."
I was actually reminded of a TED talk I saw recently about language development in babies. One studied showed that an infant's exposure to a foreign language between three and six months greatly improved their ability to recognize sounds in that language. However, this was only true if they were exposed to it by an actual person. Exposure by television or audio had almost no effect. I can see where concern would arise from the negative effects technology has on us--what we are losing. However, Leher emphasized the importance of focusing on what is GAINED rather than what we lose. It's a difficult thing to judge!
I actually don't really like the audience participation aspect of these lectures. Maybe it's because I'm not the kind of person who is inclined to ask questions in these sorts of situations, but I never feel that they are all that interesting or relevant to the discussion.
Overall the Brown Symposium was interesting. I heard a lot of different ideas, I only wish they had been further developed or more individualized. It was interesting to hear from so many speakers, but I don't feel like a got a really clear, straight-forward concept from any of them. I guess I prefer more structured lectures because they have more of a focus and direction. The speaker will have more control over exactly what they want to say and thus nothing unnecessary or off-topic will be likely to come up.
Activists Speak
First off, I'd like to say how glad I am that we attended this event. I really enjoyed the setup of it (not to mention the food!) and felt that it was a very interesting and informed way to go about discussing these issues.
The first session I think we all attended the "Dude, That's So Gay" presentation. It seemed very useful to define all of the terminology associated with issues surrounding sexuality (heteronormativity for me, in particular--which is coming up at incorrect in this word document, interestingly enough). However, I felt that many of these terms required more than one definition, or at least that they cannot be explained so generally. I think it was a great idea, but realistically many of those words require much more discussion than just a paragraph-long definition. There's too much meaning, too much sensitivity, too much
complication surrounding these sorts of issues. But perhaps these definitions were simply for the purpose of the discussion they were having right there and now. I'm actually not sure, as I was in class and missed the first fifteen minutes of the presentation. Overall I felt it was very informative. It also made me realize that even I make mistakes in how I approach discussion of sexuality. I'm guilty of calling things "gay" and things like that just for comic effect. What's worse is that I've always felt it was okay because I would do it in the company of my gay best friends. However, that is incredibly uninformed and simply not okay. I need to make an effort to not excuse habits such as that, no matter what company I am in. I know it is offensive and I am not okay with being that person. This discussion really got me thinking about changing my ways and not allowing myself to be a part of the problem in any way. No excuses!
The second session we attended was "Reaching Out to Boys & Men to End Gender Violence." If I'm going to be perfectly honest, I wasn't the most excited about this presentation. However, I found it to be even more eye-opening than the previous one. That's not to say I didn't thoroughly enjoy and get a lot out of "Dude, That's So Gay," I just have much more familiarity with queer issues and discussion. I didn't realize just how much this presentation related to issues of sexuality. Almost all of the negative names men can be called characterize them as either female or homosexual. There's a problem right there! It's not okay for there to be a negative connotation with being female or being gay. It's just not. I also thought it was so, so interesting that the speaker (I forget his name) was advocating a change in the behavior and treatment of potentially violent boys and men. This seems really obvious, but it's actually not something I'd even considered. In every other instance of the prevention of domestic violence, the emphasis seems to be placed on changes that can be made by the
victim rather than the aggressor. However, if changes were made before violence even occurred, it wouldn't be necessary for the victim to feel responsible in any way for what happened to them. If they are the ones expected to make changes so as to not be targeted, it is implied that they are the ones doing something wrong. And they're the victim! It seems almost absurd to me that there has been so much less effort put forth in the way boys are raised (to have negative connotation with females and homosexuals). If that is removed entirely and boys aren't bothered by things like "you throw like a girl" or "you're a pussy," I think violence against women and homosexuals would be dramatically reduced.
In general, I had a great time at these presentations and felt that I learned a great deal. I thought it was very in line with the Paideia experience of making connections that these two issues relate so much more than I was previously aware of.
End of Semester Reflection
I can't believe it's already the end of the semester! Time seems to pass perpetually faster. I've been especially nostalgic recently when thinking about this time last year. I was doing my final preparations before leaving to study abroad in London. It's pretty unbelievable to me that that was a year ago. It's still so fresh in my mind and something I think about on a daily basis...I can't believe it's over.
Studying Abroad really and truly did change my life. All the clichés are true. It changed my life, I became a different person, etc, etc. And I really struggled this semester trying to transition back into normal college life in America. It was difficult. I got tired and frustrated and began to lose sight of what I had liked so much about Southwestern. Then I started to really enjoy my classes and connected much more with my peers than I had in previous years. I spent more time in Georgetown and did the whole "college thing," whatever that means. But I embraced it. Study abroad saved and ruined me. It was the best experience I've ever had, but it really changed how I view the rest of my life. It was tough initially, but now I'm learning to be a better person because of it.
As far as my creative work goes, I'm finally starting to get an idea of what my Capstone is going to be like. The last couple of weeks just about everyone I know has been stressing about their Capstone presentations and, to be perfectly honest, it made me a little nervous. It's going to be a lot of work. I'm excited though. Dr. Cleere has been one of my favorite professors at Southwestern, so I'm really excited to be working with her. Jane Austen would not have been my first choice in topics, but that's okay. I appreciate the challenge and think it will attest to my writing skills that I can spend so much time on something of that nature. It will be good.
Paideia has been interesting this semester. As seniors, we're all much busier than we've been before, so it makes sense to me that our cohort would be a little less focused and need to allow for everyone to concentrate on their Capstones. I really enjoyed hearing what other people were doing for their projects. It's all so entirely different from what I'm doing. I guess that's what Paideia is all about--making connections.
Off-Campus Event: Poetry Reading
A little bit over a month ago I went to my first poetry reading ever. Aside from writing ironic little haikus on occasion, I'll be the first so admit that I did not like poetry at all. It was always my least favorite part about each of my English classes in high school. Maybe my style of writing isn't so concise--I'm all about telling a story, and I've felt that poetry lacked that. So a friend dragged me along to this poetry reading at one of our favorite coffee spots, Bouldin Creek Cafe on South First street. I've spent a lot of time at Bouldin in the last several years and was actually familiar with a lot of the poets reading. And I actually enjoyed it! For once in my life I was able to appreciate words for their beauty and fluidity, not just for the story they told. It was such a unique perspective! One poet read about his experience with homelessness, but rather than simply telling the listeners exactly what this experience was, he was able to capture the feelings of his struggle in such a way that I felt was infinitely more appropriate and more telling. It truly conveyed his emotions in a way that I was not prepared for. It was so moving! It was really beautiful.
After hearing this poetry, I thought it might be a good idea to read some poetry on my own. A friend let me borrow a book, John Berger's
And Our Faces, My Heart, Brief As Photos, after I told him about a paper I was working on for class, and it contained so much writing that I loved, including poetry. I finally learned to give this style of writing a chance, and to actually enjoy it. Maybe I'll start writing my own poems next.
